Get Wet.

Holy shit, man: The city is wet, wet, wet, and not in the sah-weeet 1994 one-hit-wonder kind of way. In the way where your puny china-town shoes are capsizing, and your open knit sweater smells like a fucking dead wolf used inexplicitly to sop up the Hep-C puddles in the lower East Side.
Gross.

I know, I know, April showers- May flowers, and all that. But I don't care. Honestly. I have a fucked up foot, and a less than cheery disposition about the weather. Not to fucking mention, if you've ever seen me you'd know I carry the following items with me religiously:
-a murse
-a dog bag
-a coffee
-a cigarette
(and last, but also least)
-a blind, one-eyed chihuahua with a serious baditude.

I.E. there's no room for an umbrella in that all-star line up, and I'm wetter than a hot-tub party on ecstasy.

*Sigh*

To make matters worse, the people of Vancouver and myself have a bit of an issue when it comes to Umbrella Etiquette. We don't so much see eye to eye- as we see eye to UMBRELLA DAGGER OF DEATH. Honest. I have to dodge more metal prongs than a bottom-bunk-bitch in robot prison. But, you know, it's probably my fault. I'M SORRY FOR BEING 6"2! My mother was an amazon woman.

Also, while I'm making the rounds; I'll apologize to all the people who are apparently made of papier-mache. I didn't know you were made of papier-mache when I publicly scorned you for dragging the metal tip of your patio-umbrella (with weighted base, telescopic shaft, and crank closure device) DANGEROUSLY close to my exposed retina. Clearly you need the biggest, stupidest looking umbrella on Earth to stay dry, because of this rare and inconceivable condition.

And hey, while I'm on a roll; People who walk under the awning with an umbrella, while their unequipped brethren strut soaked through the panties, peeping dry spots like a desperate drowned rat-  Pay attention! Why do you need to walk under the awning, which, in essence is a GIANT FUCKING UMBRELLA, when you have your own personal coverage device all ready? Why don't you just move to the desert you selfish punks?
I'm going to start carrying a squirt gun, so I can soak your stupid faces.

Okay?

Allright! And as long as everyones disgusting and wet, who's up for a slip 'n slide?