Walking Behind Shit People is Shit

Do the following offenders seem familiar?

•  The couple that romantically lingers on an all-too skinny sidewalk, holding hands and gazing about? 
• The chorus line of foreign tourists whom take up the entire road with obnoxious lolly-gagging, and gain a monopoly on all potential walking space? 
• Or, perhaps, the dude who seems to zig when you zig, zag when you zag, who never, ever hears your increasingly furious footsteps no matter how brashly you stomp?

These people, are the enemy. The leading cause of walk-rage. If drivers can honk, and bicycles ding- then what offensive tactics might the common pedestrian employ? Well, in my experience- a gentle "pardon" usually works. Alas, some people are idiotic cunts with no sense of the world around them, lest they encounter something loud and mean, like me. That's right, fight cock-bag with cock-bag. The only way to defeat these rampaging goliaths is to firmly declare, like a nun in black, ready to whap their lime green crocs off, "EXCUSE ME" and bumble past, head down, eyes wide with the intention of proving that looks can, infact, kill. This will ruin their merry stroll, and set your heart aflame with success.

But should it really come to this? Am I wearing fluffy magical sound-proof slippers? Is there a way to aprehend these serial side-walk blockers, and make them their own town of roadless walk-ways and photogenic architecture?

Can I have a horn?
A Bell?

A pellet gun? That too much?

Watch where you're going, hicks.