Science: Smoking Makes Toddlers Look Tough!

So, I'll start off by mentioning I have no children. I told my boyfriend to get on it, and he told me to "get on growing a uterus, and making dinner" *slap* Ugh! It's cause he loves me so hard.

Anyway, if I did have a kid, the smaller, the better. That way when the pharmacy shelves are locked after 8:00 at Safeway , and you need non-drowsy Benadryl, you can get them to stick their little arms behind the guards and fetch your little, pink anti-histamine angel with little to no police involvement (unless that old lady screeching "Fagin" at the top of her lungs was a po-po and not a gay basher as previously thought.)

Now kids, of course, are usually pretty frickin' small, unless you birthed some blubber munching Pugsly Adams baby, with a penchant for frites a la mode, that is. Getting the kid to stay small is the hard part. And, yes, by "hard", I mean "illegal"- and yes, by "illegal" I mean "fun" OKAY. Way to over analyze a guy. Yeesh! Either way- we have figured out the solution to keeping those little mistakes tiny enough to be of use, for long enough to get your money's worth.

The technique is actually quite simple: Why what could be more jolly than a light puff of the ol' Marlboro, man? Is a "play-do fun pack" as minty and cultured as a 25 pack of KOOL's? Does Stretch Armstrong come with a sweet tailor made 'tude fresh outta Compton? I think not. The answer is to GET YOUR CHILD TO SMOKE CIGARETTES.

That's right folks:
It'll keep 'em scrawny, and you can control them through the ruins of addiction! It's like a win-win-WIN, because they also get the benefit of looking SUPER DOPE! Check out the evidence of calm, collected, and coooool below:



Cancer Shmancer! Early to bed, early to rise, right? Or...something.
Anyway, I need a fucking cigarette.